Sunday, 30 December 2018

Nootropics - Omega 3

Omega 3 - or as it is called n-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids (PUFA), are the following: linolenic acid, EPA and DHA, also known as fish oil fatty acids. Their properties are different than n-6 polyunsaturated fatty acids (PUFA) and monounsaturated  fatty acids (MUFA). Omega 3 fatty acids are believed to lower blood triglyceride levels, reducing V - LDL in liver and stimulating V-LDL metabolism in muscle and tissue. A bit of history: when the Inuit population was checked, they got a low occurrence of cardio-vascular diseases (CVD). Their diet is abundant in fatty fish and fish oil, so we reach the conclusion that this provides protection against different CVD. The following research discovered that this diet can provide a 0% to 40% reduction of CVD risk (again, the individual factor is prevalent) and decrease the risk of fatal CVD, but no effect was noted on heart dysfunctions (fibrillation and arrhythmia). In conclusion: we do not have enough data to gather strong evidence, but today we have excellent treatment options, so if you survive the first hearth attack, chances are that the second will never happen (we got statins, blood thinners, beta blockers, blood pressure lowering medicine).

N-3 PUFA, or Omega 3 as they are widely known, are effective for high triglycerides, likely effective for heart disease and possible effective for blood pressure, rheumatoid arthritis and weight loss. They have potent anti-inflammatory actions. So, not only does our body need Omega 3 fatty acids to function, but they also delivering some important benefits.

It is good to be delivered by food, not by supplements. Sources of Omega 3 are: fish (wild salmon, tuna, sardines, trout), walnuts, flaxseed, canola oil, soybean oil. The fish is rich in Omega 3 but can also have higher levels of contaminants (mercury, PCB and other powerful toxins). Children and pregnant women should avoid fatty fish. All the foods containing Omega 3 are rich in calories, so moderation is recommended. Algae can be a good replacement if you do not eat fish.

Benefits:

  • lower the risk of heart disease by lowering elevated triglycerides blood levels;
  • can curb stiffness and joint pain, can boost the effectiveness of the anti-inflammatory drugs;
  • lower the depression risk, boosting the antidepressant effects, may help with the depressive symptoms of the bipolar disorder;
  • it is very important in the infant visual and neurological development;
  • helps in asthma, lowering the inflammation and improving the lung function, cutting the amount of medication needed to control the condition;
  • reduces the symptoms of ADHD, but should not be used as primary treatment;
  • protection against Alzheimer's disease and dementia, positive effects on memory loss due to ageing.

Side effects:
  • Omega 3 supplements can make bleeding more likely, if you have a bleeding condition and use medication like warfarin, you should ask your doctor before taking Omega 3 supplements.

Wednesday, 26 December 2018

Nootropics - Ginkgo Biloba

Ginkgo Biloba, also known as Maidenhair, is a living fossil, used in traditional Chinese medicine (seeds and leaves). Today we use Ginkgo extract, made from the leaves.

Benefits:

  • contains high levels of flavonoids and terpenoids (both of them powerful antioxidants fighting the damaging effects of the free radicals - anti-ageing;
  • has the ability to reduce inflammation caused by various conditions;
  • can increase the blood flow dilating the blood vessels, helps with poor circulation;
  • might help in some cases of Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia, especially if it is used alongside the conventional treatment;
  • may improve mental performance in healthy people;
  • may help to treat anxiety and had the potential to treat depression;
  • may be effective for some types of headaches;
  • may help with respiratory diseases due to its anti-inflammatory effects;
  • may reduce PMS symptoms;
  • may improve symptoms of sexual dysfunction.
Side effects:
  • do not use in case of allergy to alkylphenols;
  • can increase the risk of bleeding (do not mix with warfarin, aspirin, prozac, zoloft, ibuprofen and tylenol);
  •  to some people can induce dizziness, headaches, nausea.
Dosage:
  • 120-140 mg divined into several doses during the day (effects can be noticed after at least six weeks).

Tuesday, 25 December 2018

Nootropics - Ginseng

Ginseng

We have 2 different kind of Ginseng - The Asian one (Panax Ginseng) and the American one (Panax Quinquefolius). Both of them are supposed to boost energy, lower blood sugar, lower cholesterol levels, reduce stress, promote relaxation, help in diabetes treatment and with sexual dysfunction for men. The chemical components found in Ginseng, ginsenosides, are responsible for the clinical effect of the herb.

Benefits:


  • may help stimulate physical and mental activity in people who feel tired (good results in helping cancer patients undergoing treatment with fatigue);
  • may improve thinking process and cognition;
  • the ginsenosides have anti-inflammatory effects;
  • can treat erectile dysfunction;
  • there is a link between ginseng and the treatment and prevention of influenza and respiratory syncytial virus;
  • may help lower blood sugar and help treat diabetes as it is improving the insulin resistance;
  • increase the general well-being of the one using it.
Side effects: 
  • it is safe to consume but may give headaches, sleep problems, edema, diarrhea, dry mouth and can make changes in the blood pressure and the blood sugar level;
  • do not mix with antidepressants (MAOIs class), heart medication, blood thinners (warfarin, aspirin);
  • may increase the effect of caffeine;
  • can cancel the effect of the painkillers like morphine.
Dosage:
  • the recommended dose is 200-400 mg per day, but it is bio-active from a dose of 40 mg per day. 

Nootropics - introduction

Nootropics, also known as smart drugs or cognitive enhancers, are drugs, supplements or other substances that may improve cognitive function (executive functions, memory, creativity, motivation). The word nootropic was coined in 1972 by a Romanian chemist and psychologist, Corneliu Giurgea, derivate from the greek words nous (mind) and trepetin (bending). The most used nootropic is the well known caffeine.

While many nootropics may improve cognition, their effects are not fully determined or enough researched.

I will start tomorrow with Nicotinamide Riboside.

Wednesday, 12 December 2018

Nootropics

Most probably after the Christmas holidays, i will start a new series of articles related to nootropics.

How to use what we have in the best possible way?
This is a question that made me to check through lots of researches, old and new.

What i find out? You will know as soon as i go through all my notes and i make them readable.

Kind regards
G.

Tuesday, 27 November 2018

Prodigy or not, and some future reference

Read this article for an interesting insight on how to avoid impaired cognitive ability for a child.

Also, i will write soon about some very useful nootropics (brain enhancers or brain boosters) that can be used without any notable secondary side effects.

See you soon.

Monday, 19 November 2018

New Neuroscience Reveals 9 Rituals That Will Make You An Amazing Parent (by Eric Barker)



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When kids behave, things are easy. The problem is when you need to discipline them. Most parents know which methods they don't want to use to correct their children, but aren't as sure which methods they should use.

So what is discipline? The word comes from the Latin "disciplina" -- which means "to teach." And, in the end, that's what we need more of. Every time a kid misbehaves it's an opportunity to teach them valuable skills like empathy, self-control, problem-solving, and dealing with emotions.

Merely punishing kids might stop bad behavior in the short-term but without a lesson, all it teaches them is that whomever has more power gets to enforce their arbitrary rules. (Hint: this does not bode well for their future relationships.)

Yes, you want them to stop painting the toilet purple but you also want them to learn to consider the feelings of others, and build other long-term skills that will help them lead successful, happy lives. And you want them to feel closer to you after a dispute, not further away.

From No-Drama Discipline:

The research is really clear on this point. Kids who achieve the best outcomes in life—emotionally, relationally, and even educationally—have parents who raise them with a high degree of connection and nurturing, while also communicating and maintaining clear limits and high expectations. Their parents remain consistent while still interacting with them in a way that communicates love, respect, and compassion. As a result, the kids are happier, do better in school, get into less trouble, and enjoy more meaningful relationships.

So how the heck do you do all this? (No, a taser is not involved.)

You want to "connect and redirect." This is the system recommended by Daniel Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, and Tara Payne Bryson, a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist.


Okay, let's get to it...


1) Connect


If your kid is in mid-yell or mid-cry, they cannot hear what you are saying. Reread that. Get it tattooed on your body. How logical are you when you're overwhelmed by emotion? And you expect a kid to be any different?

So immediately doling out punishments will rarely be processed and just escalate an already bad situation. You need to connect.

Connection means showing that you’re on their side – while still maintaining boundaries. You need to tune into their feelings and show them that you understand. This helps move them from reactivity to receptivity. It allows the emotion to dissipate so they can start using their thinky brain instead of their emotional brain. Connection has 4 parts:

Communicate Comfort 

They cry, you yell and things get worse, not better. Sound familiar? Because it's now a fight for power instead of a conversation. As NYPD hostage negotiators know, "behavior is contagious." If you want to be in a fight, by all means, give an angry look, raise your voice and wag your index finger. If you want this to be a somewhat sane interaction, act like it is one. Communicate comfort. Make them feel safe.

Validate 

How do you react when someone dismisses your feelings and tells you "stop making a big deal out of this and just calm down"? Exactly. So don't expect a child to be any better at it. Validate their feelings -- though not all their actions. They need to feel understood in order to calm down. Until the big emotions are out of their way, logic is powerless.

Listen 

Your child is really angry about something. You know what always works? A really long lecture. Going on a rant to someone screaming at the top of their lungs is incredibly effective in showing them the error of their ways and getting them to calm down. No child would everrespond by tuning you out. And make sure to repeat the same points over and over. People love this, especially surly teenagers...

Um, no. They won't process a thing until they get to talk about how they feel and you show them you understand. So listen.

Reflect 

When they tell you how they feel, repeat it back to them. You want to show, not tell. If you say, "I know how you feel" they'll reply, "No, you don't!" If you say, "It really upset you that I wouldn't let you build a nuclear reactor in the basement" they'll say, "Exactly."

After you communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect, ask yourself one question: “Are they ready to hear, learn, and understand?” If not, repeat the steps.

Whoops, actually there's a second question to ask yourself: "Am Iready?" Because if you're overly emotional this will not go well. They need to be calm -- but so do you.


Okay, so you've connected. Now it's time to "redirect." That's an acronym because 8 more steps is a lot to remember, especially after junior decides to give the living room wall an unapproved mural. So let's start with "R"...


2) Reduce Words


Again, listening beats lecturing. If you regularly bemoan your child's short attention span than you should know better than to launch into an hour-long keynote on proper behavior. If it is a big issue, ask questions and guide a conversation, but don't lecture.

From No-Drama Discipline:

We strongly suggest that when you redirect, you resist the urge to overtalk. Of course it’s important to address the issue and teach the lesson. But in doing so, keep it succinct. Regardless of the age of your children, long lectures aren’t likely to make them want to listen to you more. Instead, you’ll just be flooding them with more information and sensory input. As a result, they’ll often simply tune you out.

(To learn how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, click here.)

Alright, you're being brief and getting to the point. What's next?


3) Embrace Emotions


All feelings are permitted; all behavior is not. Do not insist that their emotions be rational or make sense. (If the world was always rational and made sense, you wouldn't be having this fight and I'd be married to Olivia Wilde.)

From No-Drama Discipline:

...it’s what we do as a result of our emotions that determines whether our behavior is OK or not OK. So our message to our children should be, “You can feel whatever you feel, but you can’t always do whatever you want to do.”

(To learn how to make sure your kids have grit, click here.)

You're being brief and accepting their feelings. Cool. Now how do you actually correct a child?


4) Describe, Don’t Preach


Parents always wonder why their kids tune them out. The answer is simple: because they know what you're going to say and then you say it anyway. 

Chances are, they know what they did was wrong. So instead of lecturing, just call attention to whatever they did: "The couch is on fire." This is less likely to put them on the defensive or lead them to tune you out.

From No-Drama Discipline:

The natural tendency for many parents is to criticize and preach when our kids do something we don’t like. In most disciplinary situations, though, those responses simply aren’t necessary. Instead, we can simply describe what we’re seeing, and our kids will get what we’re saying just as clearly as they do when we yell and disparage and nitpick. And they’ll receive that message with much less defensiveness and drama.

(To learn the science of being a better parent, click here.)

You gave a description instead of a TED talk. Awesome. But the only way you're really going to get them to learn anything is if they're engaged...


5) Involve Your Child In The Discipline


This needs to be a dialogue, not summary judgment. Ask questions. Get them to suggest how the situation should be handled and you'll organically shift into talking about right and wrong, and how other people are impacted by your child's behavior. This is how they learn empathy and problem-solving.

From No-Drama Discipline:

Once you’ve connected and your child is ready and receptive, you can simply initiate a dialogue that leads first toward insight (“I know you know the rule, so I’m wondering what was going on for you that led you to this”) and then toward empathy and integrative repair (“What do you think that was like for her, and how could you make things right?”).

(To learn how to deal with out of control kids -- from hostage negotiators -- click here.)

Now it's a conversation and they're learning something other than why you're a meanie. So how do you tell children "no" without a screaming match -- and teach them self-control at the same time?


6) Reframe A "No" Into A Conditional "Yes"


"Yes, you can watch more TV -- after dinner." It's not a magic spell but it'll often meet with less resistance than a flat "No more TV."

Obviously, some things are non-negotiable: "No, you cannot perform an appendectomy on the family dog." But often you can phrase things with this formula and help them learn about boundaries and self-control with a lot less drama.

From No-Drama Discipline:

An out-and-out no can be much harder to accept than a yes with conditions. No, especially if said in a harsh and dismissive tone, can automatically activate a reactive state in a child (or anyone). In the brain, reactivity can involve the impulse to fight, flee, freeze, or, in extreme cases, faint. In contrast, a supportive yes statement, even when not permitting a behavior, turns on the social engagement circuitry, making the brain receptive to what’s happening, making learning more likely, and promoting connections with others.

(To learn 4 vital parenting tips, click here.)

Now you know how to say no. So how else can we discipline children -- without making them hate us in the process?


7) Emphasize The Positive


Say what you want, not what you don't want. “I need you to brush your teeth and find your backpack,” beats, “Stop messing around and get ready, you’re going to be late for school!”

And make sure to praise them when they do things you like. If every time you open your mouth only criticism comes out, what feelings do you think they're instinctively going to associate with you? Yup.

(To learn the 10 steps to making your kids smarter, click here.)

So what's a good way to sidestep drama altogether -- and have a laugh in the process?


8) Creatively Approach The Situation


Be playful. If there's toy on the floor where it shouldn't be, try a dramatic pratfall instead of a stern glare. Instead of arguing about getting into the car, become a scary monster and chase them into it. With some creativity you can get your point across in a way that reduces defensiveness.

From No-Drama Discipline:

When we exercise response flexibility, we use our prefrontal cortex, which is central to our upstairs brain and the skills of executive functions. Engaging this part of our brain during a disciplinary moment makes it far more likely that we’ll also be able to conjure up empathy, attuned communication, and even the ability to calm our own reactivity.

(To learn the 10 steps to raising happy kids, click here.)

So we know a lot of ways to defuse conflict -- but how do we teach them some valuable life skills and reduce the intensity of the next meltdown?


9) Teach Mindsight Tools


Siegel and Bryson basically mean teaching your kids mindfulness. You want to focus on making sure they learn to not just merely experiencetheir emotions, but also observe their emotions.

Teaching your child to ask, "What is my brain doing right now?" allows them to step back from the chaos going on in their head and study it, versus being consumed by it. You don't want a child that is overwhelmed by feelings or denies their feelings. You want your kid to notice their feelings -- and do something about them.

This teaches them they don't have to be stuck in a negative mood. They don't have to be a victim to external events or their whirlwind emotions. With practice they can cope with feelings and take charge of their behavior.

From No-Drama Discipline:

Brain studies reveal that we actually have two different circuits—an experiencing circuit and an observing circuit. They are different, but each is important, and integrating them means building both and then linking them. We want our kids to not only feel their feelings and sense their sensations, but also to be able to notice how their body feels, to be able to witness their own emotions.

(To learn the 20 simple secrets of happy families, click here.)

Okay, we've learned a lot. Let's round it all up and discover what to do when you screw the above up...


Sum Up


Here's how neuroscience can help you be an amazing parent:
  • Connect: Communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect.
  • Reduce Words: Seriously, when have lectures ever worked?
  • Embrace Emotions: All feelings are permitted; all behaviors are not.
  • Describe, Don't Preach: "All daddy's shoes are in the refrigerator."
  • Involve Your Child In The Discipline: "What's a way to express your anger that doesn't involve anyone getting 27 stitches?"
  • Reframe A "No" Into A Conditional "Yes": "Yes, you can watch 'Toy Story' for the 400th time -- after mommy finishes this wonderful blog post she's reading."
  • Emphasize The Positive: Instead of “No whining,” try, “I like it when you talk in your normal voice. Can you say that again?”
  • Creatively Approach The Situation: "I'll bet I can eat my vegetables faster than you can."
  • Teach Mindsight Tools: Teach them to notice their emotions. You can't improve how you deal with something if you're not aware of it.
You're not always going to be perfect. (I really hope this did not come as a surprise.) But even your mistakes as a parent can be valuable if you handle them right.

From No-Drama Discipline:

Then they get to see you model how to apologize and make things right. They experience that when there is conflict and argument, there can be repair, and things become good again. This helps them feel safe and not so afraid in future relationships; they learn to trust, and even expect, that calm and connection will follow conflict. Plus, they learn that their actions affect other people’s emotions and behavior. Finally, they see that you’re not perfect, so they won’t expect themselves to be, either.


So it all comes down to "connect and redirect." And when you screw up, don't worry. Apologize, make a joke, try again.

You want your kids to know that everyone makes mistakes and that anger doesn't last forever.

Children need to know that arguments happen -- but that doesn't mean people stop loving you.

Sunday, 9 September 2018

How to raise emotionally intelligent children

Another interesting article from Eric Barker, read it and learn from it!


This Is How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids: 5 Secrets From Research


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Dealing with kids ain’t easy. They need an exhausting amount of attention and help.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

Behavioral psychologists have observed that preschoolers typically demand that their caretakers deal with some kind of need or desire at an average rate of three times a minute.

Most advice on parenting focuses on how to deal with misbehavior. While helpful, this is also akin to only offering advice on how to survive after a nuclear holocaust and not talking about how to prevent one. What's the secret to making sure your living room doesn't resemble a scene from "Mad Max: Fury Road"?

What usually underlies bad behavior is how the child handles negative emotions. And this is something we rarely teach deliberately and almost never teach well. Showing kids how to recognize and deal with feelings prevents misbehavior -- and it's a skill that will serve them their entire lives. It prevents tantrums at age 4 but it's also the difference between saving college money and saving bail money later on. Look at it as potty training for feelings.

But how do we do that?

Professor John Gottman is the guy who revolutionized the study of relationships, getting it to the point where he could listen to a couple for just a few minutes and determine with a frightening amount of accuracy whether or not they'd divorce. Well, luckily, Gottman also analyzed parenting. And this wasn't the latest parenting theory-of-the-week that somebody came up with over lunch -- this was a truly epic study of mind-bending proportions.

He took over 100 married couples with kids ages 4 or 5 and gave them questionnaires. Then conducted thousands of hours of interviews. He observed their behavior in his lab. Taped sessions of the kids playing with their best friends. Monitored heart rates, respiration, blood flow and sweating. Took urine samples -- yeah, urine samples -- from the kids to measure stress-related hormones. And then followed up with the children and families all the way through adolescence, conducting more interviews, evaluating academic performance and...

Okay, enough. You get it. The plans of Hollywood Bond Villains aren't this thorough. And when it came to dealing with emotions, Gottman realized there are 4 types of parents. And three ain't so hot:
  • Dismissing parents: They disregard, ignore, or trivialize negative emotions.
  • Disapproving parents. They're critical of negative feelings and punish kids for emotional expression.
  • Laissez-Faire parents: They accept their children’s emotions and empathize with them, but don't offer guidance or set limits on behavior.
Children of these parents didn't do as well over time. They misbehaved more, had trouble making friends or had self-esteem problems. One of them may be breaking into your car right now.

And then there were the Ultra-Parents. These mothers and fathers unknowingly used what Gottman calls "emotion-coaching." And this produced emotionally intelligent kids. These parents accepted their children's feelings (but not all of the children's behavior), guided the kids through emotional moments, and helped them problem-solve their way to a solution that didn't involve putting the neighbor's kid in the emergency room. How did these tykes end up?

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

The children were better at soothing themselves when they were upset. They could calm down their hearts faster. Because of the superior performance in that part of their physiology that is involved in calming themselves, they had fewer infectious illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations they encountered in middle childhood like getting teased, where being overly emotional is a liability, not an asset. They were better at understanding people. They had better friendships with other children. They were also better at situations in school that required academic performance. In short, they had developed a kind of “IQ” that is about people and the world of feelings, or emotional intelligence.

And it all came down to how the parents handled the child's negative emotional outbursts. These parents did five things that the other types rarely did.

Alrighty, let's get to it...


1) Be Aware Of Emotions


Parenting is stressful and can feel non-stop. Often it's not like running a marathon -- it's like running until you die. So there's a natural tendency to look around when things are (finally) calm and think, "Nothing is currently on fire. Okay, life is good."

But this can be like standing in a coal mine ignoring the thousands of dead canaries. Usually emotions precede outbursts. So noticing the child's emotions early -- and not just the resulting bad behavior -- is critical.

"Not misbehaving" doesn't mean "not upset." When a passive-aggressive spouse crosses their arms, scowls and says, "I'm fine," at least you know they're definitely not fine. Kids may not even understand what they're feeling or how to best express it. So being aware and noticing early can prevent Tonka trucks from taking flight without FAA approval.

But the problem many parents have here is noticing their own emotions. If you're not aware of your feelings and moods you'll have trouble noticing and relating to those of others.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

Our studies show that for parents to feel what their children are feeling, they must be aware of emotions, first in themselves and then in their kids... Emotional awareness simply means that you recognize when you are feeling an emotion, you can identify your feelings, and you are sensitive to the presence of emotions in other people.

Don't be afraid to show emotions in front of your kids. Gottman found that even anger (as long as it's expressed respectfully and constructively) has its place. If parents hold back from showing feelings then kids can learn "Mom and dad don't have these emotions and neither should I."

Seeing arguments and then seeing them resolved amicably is far better than never seeing them at all. Kids need a role model not just for values, but also for feelings.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

Such moms and dads may try to compensate for their fear of losing control by being “super-parents,” hiding their emotions from their children… The irony is that by hiding their emotions, these parents may be raising youngsters who are even less capable of handling negative emotions than they would have been if their parents had learned to let their feelings show in a nonabusive way. That’s because the kids grow up emotionally distant from their parents. Also, the children have one less role model to teach them how to handle difficult emotions effectively.

Shielding kids from emotional situations and then sending them out into the world is like sending an athlete to the Olympics with no training. Kids need those moments in order to learn how to regulate their feelings.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Notice feelings now and avoid a crisis later. But what perspective did the smart parents take when outbursts did occur?


2) Emotion Is An Opportunity For Intimacy And Teaching


It's understandable to see a tantrum as an irrational inconvenience that should be eliminated ASAP. But the parents whose children thrived saw outbursts as teaching moments and a time to bond with their kid. Yeah, that doesn't always feel natural when a child is angrily throwing things.

Does saying anything resembling, "You should not feel this way" ever work with emotional adults? Exactly. Then it sure as hell isn't going to work with your kid. Saying “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” or “Oh, it’ll be fine” is dismissive. This is how kids learn to doubt their own judgment and lose confidence. The Emotion-Coaching parents realized that a tantrum was the best time to connect with their child and teach them a valuable skill.

Yes, you need to stop misbehavior immediately. But you want to do it in a way specific to the child's actions and not make it about their identity. So you want to say, “We don’t paint Grandma's couch purple,” instead of, “Stop being a nightmare!” The children who consistently heard the latter did not fare as well in Gottman's follow ups.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

When we checked in with these same families three years later, we found that the children who experienced such disrespectful, contemptuous behavior from their parents were the same kids who were having more trouble with schoolwork and getting along with friends. These were the kids who had higher levels of stress-related hormones in their bodies. Their teachers reported they were having more behavior problems, and their moms reported they had more illnesses.

It takes practice but you want to see kids' emotional pain like you'd see their physical pain. It's not their fault. It's a challenge they're facing. And one you can help them with.

(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Okay, so you've got the right perspective. You're an emotional mentor, not a corrections officer. But what do you actually do to help?


3) Listen Empathetically And Validate Feelings


Don't argue the facts. Feelings aren't logical. You wouldn't expect the new employee to know how to find the bathroom and you shouldn't expect a child to know how to handle emotions that, frankly, you still have problems dealing with after decades of experience.

Don't immediately try to fix things. You need to establish you're a safe ally before you can solve anything. Understanding must precede advice, and, just as with adults, they decide when you understand.

The critical distinction Gottman realized is that it's important to accept all feelings -- but not all behavior. If you skip immediately to problem-solving, the kid never learns the skill of how to deal with those uncomfortable emotions.

You want to use "empathetic listening." Get them to talk. Help them clarify. Validate their feelings (but, again, not necessarily their behavior). They need to feel you really understand and are on their side.

Take a deep breath, relax and focus on them. They'll notice if you're impatient or frustrated and just going through the motions.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

In this context, listening means far more than collecting data with your ears. Empathetic listeners use their eyes to watch for physical evidence of their children’s emotions. They use their imaginations to see the situation from the child’s perspective. They use their words to reflect back, in a soothing, noncritical way, what they are hearing and to help their children label their emotions.

Relate their child problems to adult problems in your head to help you empathize. "But why is she freaking out about her new baby brother?! It makes no sense!" Really? How would you like it if your spouse brought home a new lover and expected you to welcome them into the home? Get out of your head and into theirs. Relate. Empathize.

Probing questions may be too much for a little kid. It can feel like interrogation. They may not even know why they're sad. Try sharing simple observations. Say, "I noticed that you frowned when I mentioned going to the party" and then wait for a response.

(To learn the 4 rituals neuroscience says will make you an awesome parent, click here.)

Alright, they're opening up. How do you calm them down and teach them how to cope?


4) Help Them Label Their Emotions


A young child is not going to be able to say, "Dearest mother, I apologize for my unnecessary irritability. My transition to the new kindergarten class has caused me an unexpected amount of stress. My future academic adjustments will be conducted with a level of grace heretofore unseen in our lovely household."

You've got the words; they don't. Help them get a handle on what's going on by labeling what they feel.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

Providing words in this way can help children transform an amorphous, scary, uncomfortable feeling into something definable, something that has boundaries and is a normal part of everyday life. Anger, sadness, and fear become experiences everybody has and everybody can handle. Labeling emotions goes hand in hand with empathy. A parent sees his child in tears and says, “You feel very sad, don’t you?” Now, not only is the child understood, he has a word to describe this intense feeling. Studies indicate that the act of labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system, helping children to recover more quickly from upsetting incidents.

Don't gloss over this. Labeling is absurdly powerful. Neuroscience has repeatedly demonstrated its ability to soothe emotions. It's one of the main techniques hostage negotiatorsuse to keep the most dangerous situations calm.

So when a child is crying because their sister got a better gift than they did, you don't want to be dismissive and say, "I'm sure you'll get a better present next time." You want to validate and label the feeling with something like, "You wish you'd gotten something more fun. I bet that makes you feel kind of jealous."

Now the kid is thinking, "They understand me." And they've learned something about how to cope by talking it out and labeling the emotions to get a handle on them. And Gottman found this leads to really good things.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

As we have discussed earlier, the implications of teaching a child to self-soothe are enormous. Kids who can calm themselves from an early age show several signs of emotional intelligence: They are more likely to concentrate better, have better peer relationships, higher academic achievement, and good health. My advice to parents, then, is to help your kids find words to describe what they are feeling. This doesn’t mean telling kids how they ought to feel. It simply means helping them develop a vocabulary with which to express their emotions.

(To learn how to make sure your kids are resilient, click here.)

They're more calm. The storm has passed. They're learning about emotions. But how do you teach them better behavior and how to fix the actual problem?


5) Set Limits And Help Them Problem-Solve


Again, all feelings are acceptable -- but all behavior isn't. You need to set limits. The parent-child relationship is not a democracy. Once the emotions are dealt with, you can be firm.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

After the parent acknowledges the emotion behind the misbehavior and helps him to label it, the parent can make sure the child understands that certain behaviors are inappropriate and can’t be tolerated. Then the parent can guide the child into thinking of more appropriate ways to handle negative feelings. “You’re mad that Danny took that game away from you,” the parent might say. “I would be, too. But it’s not okay for you to hit him. What can you do instead?”

After you've listened empathetically, labeled feelings, and set limits on any bad behavior, it's time to fix things. Someone needs to lead the problem solving. And that person is not you.

This is another skill you want to help them develop. You won't always be there to tell them what to do. So encourage them to come up with ideas, guide them to a solution in line with your values that is effective and takes other people's feelings into consideration. This is how emotionally intelligent kids become resourceful, responsible children.

(To learn how to be a better parent, from Wharton professor Adam Grant, click here.)

Okay, we've learned a lot. Let's round it up and address the question every realistic parent has been thinking from the start: How the heck am I supposed to do all of this stuff when I'm stressed to the gills, we're in the middle of the mall, and already 15 minutes late for a doctor's appointment?

Yes, there is an answer...


Sum Up


This is how to raise emotionally intelligent kids:
  • Be aware of emotions: Canaries. Coal mines. Sometimes you can ignore the words but if you ignore the underlying feelings you're going to be cleaning spaghetti off the walls.
  • Emotion is an opportunity for intimacy and teaching: The best lessons about dealing with emotions are learned when things get emotional. Yes, this is inconvenient.
  • Listen empathetically and validate feelings: Accept all feelings but not all behavior. Don't interrogate, validate.
  • Help them label their emotions: You've got the words; they don't. It works for hostage negotiators so use it to make sure your kids don't end up talking to hostage negotiators.
  • Set limits and help them problem-solve:"We don't stab Timmy. Now how might we be able to exact revenge in a way that doesn't leave evidence?"
You don't always have time to do all of the above when a meltdown happens... Or, more accurately, it's extraordinarily rare when you ever have time to. Understood.

Don't worry. Gottman says you don't have to do it when the problem occurs. That would be preferable, but as long as you set aside time to sit down and have the conversation, you can help your kid become more emotionally intelligent.

From Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:

In an ideal world, we’d always have time to sit and talk with our kids as feelings come up. But for most parents, that’s not always an option. It’s important, therefore, to designate a time—preferably at the same period each day—when you can talk to your child without time pressures or interruptions.

Emotion-coaching is not a panacea. It doesn't have Harry Potter magic powers to turn your little devil into a little angel. There will still be outbursts. You'll still need discipline and limits. But with time it'll build a tighter bond with your child and help them develop a skill that will benefit them the rest of their life.

What most parents want more than anything is for their kids to be happy. What's happiness? An emotion.

So you'll teach them to go potty. And school will teach them how to think.

But more than anything, don't forget to teach them how to feel.

Thursday, 6 September 2018

Health, ageing and brain boosting through fasting and fasting like diet

I just read this article and the conclusion are fascinating. It is more about a fasting-like diet than fasting (a diet of 5-600 calories once per day, to mimic fasting, and the benefits will made you wanting to try.

Do you know how many of us ask if there is away to be brilliant and at our peak all the time? There it is. Just read it. Slowly as there are lots of technicalities, but read it nevertheless.

Sunday, 2 September 2018

Sleep, night vision and few oranges

...and the best article of the week award go to this article.

Learn more about the blue light impact on your sleep and not only that. Amazing 7 minutes reading.

Monday, 27 August 2018

Ideas for free, a strawberry and few Aztecs

Only 2 ideas to think about for today.

First is an excerpt from the book “Peak” by Ericsson and Pool.

“We learn enough to get by in our day to day lives, but once we reach that point, we seldom push to go beyond good enough. We do very little that challenges our brains to develop new gray matter or white matter or to rewire entire sections in the way that an aspiring London Taxy driver or violin student might. And, for the most part, that’s ok. ‘Good enough ‘ is generally good enough. But it’s important to remember that the option exists. If you wish to become significantly better at something, you can. “

If this will make you not to want to read the book, read it again.

And for the second idea, here is the link to a wonderful story.

I am planning to come back to this blog eventually, as soon as I finish the 3 books I write now and after I learn how to code.

Have a beautiful day!
G.

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

A little gift

Today is a day of celebration, and for all of you my friends, I have a little gift, a magical switch into your own perception.

One of Borges’ short stories - El Aleph.

Enjoy!

Monday, 23 April 2018

Genius - Baby steps (Do our first three years of life determine how we’ll turn out?)

Baby Steps
by Malcolm Gladwell


Do our first three years of life determine how we’ll turn out?

1.

In April of 1997, Hillary Clinton was the host of a daylong conference at the White House entitled “What New Research on the Brain tells Us About Our Youngest Children.” In her opening remarks, which were beamed live by satellite to nearly a hundred hospitals, universities, and schools, in thirty-seven states, Mrs. Clinton said, “Fifteen years ago, we thought that a baby’s brain structure was virtually complete at birth.” She went on:

Now we understand that it is a work in progress, and that everything we do with a child has some kind of potential physical influence on that rapidly forming brain. A child’s earliest experiences–their relationships with parents and caregivers, the sights and sounds and smells and feelings they encounter, the challenges they meet–determine how their brains are wired. . . . These experiences can determine whether children will grow up to be peaceful or violent citizens, focussed or undisciplined workers, attentive or detached parents themselves.

At the afternoon session of the conference, the keynote speech was given by the director turned children’s advocate Rob Reiner. His goal, Reiner told the assembled, was to get the public to “look through the prism” of the first three years of life “in terms of problem solving at every level of society”:

If we want to have a real significant impact, not only on children’s success in school and later on in life, healthy relationships, but also an impact on reduction in crime, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, child abuse, welfare, homelessness, and a variety of other social ills, we are going to have to address the first three years of life. There is no getting around it. All roads lead to Rome.

The message of the conference was at once hopeful and a little alarming.On the one hand, it suggested that the right kind of parenting during those first three years could have a lasting effect on a child’s life; on the other hand, it implied that if we missed this opportunity the resulting damage might well be permanent. Today, there is a zero-to-three movement, made up of advocacy groups and policymakers like Hillary Clinton, which uses the promise and the threat of this new brain science to push for better pediatric care, early childhood education, and day care. Reiner has started something called the I Am Your Child Foundation, devoted to this cause, and has enlisted the support of, among others, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, Charlton Heston, and Rosie O’Donnell. Some lawmakers now wonder whether programs like Head Start ought to be drastically retooled, to focus on babies and toddlers rather than on preschoolers. The state of California recently approved a fifty-cent-per-pack tax on cigarettes to fund programs aimed at improving care for babies and toddlers up to the age of five. The state governments of Georgia and Tennessee send classical-music CDs home from the hospital with every baby, and Florida requires that day-care centers play classical music every day–all in the belief that Mozart will help babies build their minds in this critical window of development. “During the first part of the twentieth century, science built a strong foundation for the physical health of our children,” Mrs. Clinton said in her speech that morning. “The last years of this century are yielding similar breakthroughs for the brain. We are . . . coming closer to the day when we should be able to insure the well-being of children in every domain–physical, social, intellectual, and emotional.”

The First Lady took pains not to make the day’s message sound too extreme. “I hope that this does not create the impression that, once a child’s third birthday rolls around, the important work is over,”she said, adding that much of the brain’s emotional wiring isn’t completed until adolescence, and that children never stop needing the love and care of their parents. Still, there was something odd about the proceedings. This was supposed to be a meeting devoted to new findings in brain science, but hardly any of the brain science that was discussed was new. In fact, only a modest amount of brain science was discussed at all. Many of the speakers were from the worlds of education and policy. Then, there was Mrs. Clinton’s claim that the experiences of our first few years could “determine” whether we grow up to be peaceful or violent, focussed or undisciplined. We tend to think that the environmental influences upon the way we turn out are the sum of a lifetime of experiences–that someone is disciplined because he spent four years in the Marines, or because he got up every morning as a teen-ager to train with the swim team. But Hillary Clinton was proposing that we direct our attention instead to what happens to children in a very brief window early in life. The First Lady, now a candidate for the United States Senate, is associating herself with a curious theory of human development. Where did this idea come from? And is it true?

2.

John Bruer tackles both these questions in his new book, “The Myth of The First Three Years” (Free Press; $25). From its title, Bruer’s work sounds like a rant. It isn’t. Noting the cultural clout of the zero-to- three idea, Bruer, who heads a medical-research foundation in St. Louis, sets out to compare what people like Rob Reiner and Hillary Clinton are saying to what neuroscientists have actually concluded. The result is a superb book, clear and engaging, that serves as both popular science and intellectual history.

Mrs. Clinton and her allies, Bruer writes, are correct in their premise: the brain at birth is a work in progress. Relatively few connections among its billions of cells have yet been established. In the first few years of life, the brain begins to wire itself up at a furious pace, forming hundreds of thousands, even millions, of new synapses every second. Infants produce so many new neural connections, so quickly, that the brain of a two-year-old is actually far more dense with neural connections than the brain of an adult. After three, that burst of activity seems to slow down, and our brain begins the long task of rationalizing its communications network, finding those connections which seem to be the most important and getting rid of the rest.

During this brief initial period of synaptical “exuberance,” the brain is especially sensitive to its environment. David Hubel and Torsten Wiesel, in a famous experiment, sewed one of the eyes of a kitten shut for the first three months of its life, and when they opened it back up they found that the animal was permanently blind in that eye. There are critical periods early in life, then, when the brain will not develop properly unless it receives a certain amount of outside stimulation. In another series of experiments, begun in the early seventies, William Greenough, a psychologist at the University of Illinois, showed that a rat reared in a large, toy-filled cage with other rats ended up with a substantially more developed visual cortex than a rat that spent its first month alone in a small, barren cage: the brain, to use the word favored by neuroscientists, is plastic–that is, modifiable by experience. In other words, Hillary Clinton’s violent citizens and unfocussed workers might seem to be the human equivalents of kittens who’ve had an eye sewed shut, or rats who’ve been reared in a barren cage. If in the critical first three years of synapse formation we could give people the equivalent of a big cage full of toys, she was saying, we could make them healthier and smarter.

Put this way, these ideas sound quite reasonable, and it’s easy to see why they have attracted such excitement. But Bruer’s contribution is to show how, on several critical points, this account of child development exaggerates or misinterprets the available evidence.

Consider, he says, the matter of synapse formation. The zero-to- three activists are convinced that the number of synapses we form in our earliest years plays a big role in determining our mental capacity. But do we know that to be true? People with a form of mental retardation known as fragile-X syndrome, Bruer notes, have higher numbers of synapses in their brain than the rest of us. More important, the period in which humans gain real intellectual maturity is late adolescence, by which time the brain is aggressively pruning the number of connections. Is intelligence associated with how many synapses you have or with how efficiently you manage to sort out and make sense of those connections later in life? Nor do we know how dependent the initial burst of synapse formation is on environmental stimulation. Bruer writes of an experiment where the right hand of a monkey was restrained in a leather mitten from birth to four months, effectively limiting all sensory stimulation. That’s the same period when young monkeys form enormous numbers of connections in the somatosensory cortex, the area of the monkey brain responsible for size and texture discriminations, so you’d think that the restrained hand would be impaired. But it wasn’t: within a short time, it was functioning normally, which suggests that there is a lot more flexibility and resilience in some aspects of brain development than we might have imagined.

Bruer also takes up the question of early childhood as a developmental window. It makes sense that if children don’t hear language by the age of eleven or twelve they aren’t going to speak, and that children who are seriously neglected throughout their upbringing will suffer permanent emotional injury. But why, Bruer asks, did advocates arrive at three years of age as a cutoff point? Different parts of the brain develop at different speeds. The rate of synapse formation in our visual cortex peaks at around three or four months. The synapses in our prefrontal cortex–the parts of our brain involved in the most sophisticated cognitive tasks–peak perhaps as late as three years, and aren’t pruned back until middle-to-late adolescence. How can the same cutoff apply to both regions?

Greenough’s rat experiments are used to support the critical- window idea, because he showed that he could affect brain development in those early years by altering the environment of his animals. The implications of the experiment aren’t so straightforward, though. The experiments began when the rats were about three weeks old, which is already past rat “infancy,” and continued until they were fifty-five days old, which put them past puberty. So the experiment showed the neurological consequences of deprivation not during some critical window of infancy but during the creature’s entire period of maturation. In fact, when Greenough repeated his experiment with rats that were four hundred and fifty days old–well past middle age–he found that those kept in complex environments once again had significantly denser neural connections than those kept in isolation.

Even the meaning of the kitten with its eye sewn shut turns out to be far from obvious. When that work was repeated on monkeys, researchers found that if they deprived both eyes of early stimulation–rearing a monkey in darkness for its first six months–the animal could see (although not perfectly), and the binocularity of its vision, the ability of its left and right eyes to coördinate images, was normal. The experiment doesn’t show that more stimulation is better than less for binocular vision. It just suggests that whatever stimulation there is should be balanced, which is why closing one eye tilts the developmental process in favor of the open eye.

To say that the brain is plastic, then, is not to say that the brain is dependent on certain narrow windows of stimulation. Neuroscientists say instead that infant brains have “experience-expectant plasticity”–which means that they need only something that approximates a normal environment. Bruer writes:

The odds that our children will end up with appropriately fine-tuned brains are incredibly favorable, because the stimuli the brain expects during critical periods are the kinds of stimuli that occur everywhere and all the time within the normal developmental environment for our species. It is only when there are severe genetic or environmental aberrations from the normal that nature’s expectations are frustrated and neural development goes awry.

In the case of monkeys, the only way to destroy their binocular vision is to sew one eye shut for six months–an entirely contrived act that would almost never happen in the wild. Greenough points out that the “complex” environment he created for his rats–a large cage full of toys and other animals–is actually the closest equivalent of the environment that a rat would encounter naturally. When he created a super-enriched environment for his rats, one with even more stimulation than they would normally encounter, the rats weren’t any better off. The only way he could affect the neurological development of the animals was to put them in a barren cage by themselves–again, a situation that an animal would never encounter in the wild. Bruer quotes Steve Petersen, a neuroscientist at Washington University, in St. Louis, as saying that neurological development so badly wants to happen that his only advice to parents would be “Don’t raise your children in a closet, starve them, or hit them in the head with a frying pan.” Petersen was, of course, being flip. But the general conclusion of researchers seems to be that we human beings enjoy a fairly significant margin of error in our first few years of life. Studies done of Romanian orphans who spent their first year under conditions of severe deprivation suggest that most (but not all) can recover if adopted into a nurturing home. In another study, psychologists examined children from an overcrowded orphanage who had been badly neglected as infants and subsequently adopted into loving homes. Within two years of their adoption, one psychologist involved in their rehabilitation had concluded:

We had not anticipated the older children who had suffered deprivations for periods of 21/2 to 4 years to show swift response to treatment. That they did so amazed us. These inarticulate, underdeveloped youngsters who had formed no relationships in their lives, who were aimless and without a capacity to concentrate on anything, had resembled a pack of animals more than a group of human beings….As we worked with the children, it became apparent that their inadequacy was not the result of damage but, rather, was due to a dearth of normal experiences without which development of human qualities is impossible. After a year of treatment, many of these older children were showing a trusting dependency toward the staff of volunteers and…self-reliance in play and routines.

3.

Some years ago, the Berkeley psychology professor Alison Gopnik and one of her students, Betty Repacholi, conducted an experiment with a series of fourteen-month-old toddlers. Repacholi showed the babies two bowls of food, one filled with Goldfish crackers and one filled with raw broccoli. All the babies, naturally, preferred the crackers. Repacholi then tasted the two foods, saying “Yuck” and making a disgusted face at one and saying “Yum” and making a delighted face at the other. Then she pushed both bowls toward the babies, stretched out her hand, and said, “Could you give me some?”

When she liked the crackers, the babies gave her crackers. No surprise there. But when Repacholi liked the broccoli and hated the crackers, the babies were presented with a difficult philosophical issue–that different people may have different, even conflicting, desires. The fourteen-month-olds couldn’t grasp that. They thought that if they liked crackers everyone liked crackers, and so they gave Repacholi the crackers, despite her expressed preferences. Four months later, the babies had, by and large, figured this principle out, and when Repacholi made a face at the crackers they knew enough to give her the broccoli. “The Scientist in the Crib”(Morrow; $24), a fascinating new book that Gopnik has written with Patricia Kuhl and Andrew Meltzoff, both at the University of Washington, argues that the discovery of this principle–that different people have different desires–is the source of the so-called terrible twos. “What makes the terrible twos so terrible is not that the babies do things you don’t want them to do–one-year-olds are plenty good at that–but that they do things because you don’t want them to,” the authors write. And why is that? Not, as is commonly thought, because toddlers want to test parental authority, or because they’re just contrary. Instead, the book argues, the terrible twos represent a rational and engaged exploration of what is to two-year-olds a brand-new idea–a generalization of the insight that the fact that they hate broccoli and like crackers doesn’t mean that everyone hates broccoli and likes crackers. “Toddlers are systematically testing the dimensions on which their desires and the desires of others may be in conflict,” the authors write. Infancy is an experimental research program, in which “the child is the budding psychologist; we parents are the laboratory rats.”

These ideas about child development are, when you think about it, oddly complementary to the neurological arguments of John Bruer. The paradox of the zero-to-three movement is that, for all its emphasis on how alive children’s brains are during their early years, it views babies as profoundly passive–as hostage to the quality of the experiences provided for them by their parents and caregivers. “The Scientistin the Crib” shows us something quite different. Children are scientists, who develop theories and interpret evidence from the world around them in accordance with those theories. And when evidence starts to mount suggesting that the existing theory isn’t correct–wait a minute, just because I like crackers doesn’t mean Mommy likes crackers–they create a new theory to explain the world, just as a physicist would if confronted with new evidence on the relation of energy and matter. Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl play with this idea at some length. Science, they suggest, is actually a kind of institutionalized childhood, an attempt to harness abilities that evolved to be used by babies or young children. Ultimately, the argument suggests that child development is a rational process directed and propelled by the child himself. How does the child learn about different desires? By systematically and repeatedly provoking a response from adults. In the broccoli experiment, the adult provided the fourteen-month-old with the information (“I hate Goldfish crackers”) necessary to make the right decision. But the child ignored that information until he himself had developed a theory to interpret it. When “The Scientist in the Crib” describes children as budding psychologists and adults as laboratory rats, it’s more than a clever turn of phrase. Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl observe that our influence on infants “seems to work in concert with children’s own learning abilities.” Newborns will “imitate facial expressions” but not “complex actions they don’t understand themselves.” And the authors conclude, “Children won’t take in what you tell them until it makes sense to them. Other people don’t simply shape what children do; parents aren’t the programmers. Instead, they seem designed to provide just the right sort of information.”

It isn’t until you read “The Scientist in the Crib” alongside more conventional child-development books that you begin to appreciate the full implications of its argument. Here, for example, is a passage from “What’s Going On in There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life,” by Lise Eliot, who teaches at the University of Chicago: “It’s important to avoid the kind of muddled baby-talk that turns a sentence like ‘Is she the cutest little baby in the world?’ into ‘Uz see da cooest wiwo baby inna wowud?’ Caregivers should try to enunciate clearly when speaking to babies and young children, giving them the cleanest, simplest model of speech possible.” Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl see things a little differently. First, they point out, by six or seven months babies are already highly adept at decoding the sounds they hear around them, using the same skills we do when we talk to someone with a thick foreign accent or a bad cold. If you say “Uz see da cooest wiwo baby inna wowud?” they hear something like “Is she the cutest little baby in the world?” Perhaps more important, this sort of Motherese–with its elongated vowels and repetitions and overpronounced syllables–is just the thing for babies to develop their language skills.And Motherese, the authors point out, seems to be innate. It’s found in every culture in the world, and anyone who speaks to a baby uses it, automatically, even without realizing it. Babies want Motherese, so they manage to elicit it from the rest of us. That’s a long way from the passive baby who thrives only because of the specialized, high-end parenting skills of the caregiver. “One thing that science tells us is that nature has designed us to teach babies, as much as it has designed babies to learn,” Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl write. “Almost all of the adult actions we’ve described”–actions that are critical for the cognitive development of babies–”are swift, spontaneous, automatic and unpremeditated.”

4.

Does it matter that Mrs. Clinton and her allies have misread the evidence on child development? In one sense, it doesn’t. The First Lady does not claim to be a neuroscientist. She is a politician, and she is interested in the brains of children only to further an entirely worthy agenda: improved day care, pediatric care, and early- childhood education. Sooner or later, however, bad justifications for social policy can start to make for bad social policy, and that is the real danger of the zero-to-three movement.

In Lise Eliot’s book, for instance, there’s a short passage in which she writes of the extraordinary powers of imitation that infants possess. A fifteen-month-old who watches an experimenter lean over and touch his forehead to the top of a box will, when presented with that same box four months later, do exactly the same thing. “The fact that these memories last so long is truly remarkable–and a little bit frightening,” Eliot writes, and she continues:

It goes a long way toward explaining why children, even decades later, are so prone to replicating their parents’ behavior. If toddlers can repeat, even several months later, actions they’ve seen only once or twice, just imagine how watching their parents’ daily activities must affect them. Everything they see and hear over time–work, play, fighting, smoking, drinking, reading, hitting, laughing, words, phrases, and gestures–is stored in ways that shape their later actions, and the more they see of a particular behavior, the likelier it is to reappear in their own conduct.

There is something to this. Why we act the way we do is obviously the result of all kinds of influences and experiences, including those cues we pick up unconsciously as babies. But this doesn’t mean, as Eliot seems to think it does, that you can draw a straight line between a concrete adult behavior and what little Suzie, at six months, saw her mother do. As far as we can tell, for instance, infant imitation has nothing to do with smoking. As the behavioral geneticist David Rowe has demonstrated, the children of smokers are more likely than others to take up the habit because of genetics: they have inherited the same genes that made their parents like, and be easily addicted to, nicotine. Once you account for heredity, there is little evidence that parental smoking habits influence children; the adopted children of smokers, for instance, are no more likely to smoke than the children of non-smokers. To the extent that social imitation is a factor in smoking, the psychologist Judith Rich Harris has observed, it is imitation that occurs in adolescence between a teen-ager and his or her peers. So if you were to use Eliot’s ideas to design an anti- smoking campaign you’d direct your efforts to stop parents from smoking around their children, and miss the social roots of smoking entirely.

This point–the distance between infant experience and grownup behavior–is made even more powerfully in Jerome Kagan’s marvellous new book, “Three Seductive Ideas”(Oxford; $27.50). Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard, offers a devastating critique of what he calls “infant determinism,” arguing that many of the truly critical moments of socialization–the moments that social policy properly concerns itself with–occur well after the age of three. As Kagan puts it, a person’s level of “anxiety, depression, apathy and anger” is linked to his or her “symbolic constructions of experience”–how the bare facts of any experience are combined with the context of that event, attitudes toward those involved, expectations and memories of past experience. “The Palestinian youths who throw stones at Israeli soldiers believe that the Israeli government has oppressed them unjustly,” Kagan writes. He goes on:

The causes of their violent actions are not traceable to the parental treatment they received in their first few years. Similarly, no happy African-American two-year-old knows about the pockets of racism in American society or the history of oppression blacks have suffered. The realization that there is prejudice will not take form until that child is five or six years old.

Infant determinism doesn’t just encourage the wrong kind of policy. Ultimately, it undermines the basis of social policy. Why bother spending money trying to help older children or adults if the patterns of a lifetime are already, irremediably, in place? Inevitably, some people will interpret the zero-to-three dogma to mean that our obligations to the disadvantaged expire by the time they reach the age of three. Kagan writes of a famous Hawaiian study of child development, in which almost seven hundred children, from a variety of ethnic and economic backgrounds, were followed from birth to adulthood. The best predictor of who would develop serious academic or behavioral problems in adolescence, he writes, was social class: more than eighty per cent of the children who got in trouble came from the poorest segment of the sample. This is the harsh reality of child development, from which the zero-to-three movement offers a convenient escape. Kagan writes, “It is considerably more expensive to improve the quality of housing, education and health of the approximately one million children living in poverty in America today than to urge their mothers to kiss, talk to, and play with them more consistently.” In his view, “to suggest to poor parents that playing with and talking to their infant will protect the child from future academic failure and guarantee life success” is an act of dishonesty. But that does not go far enough. It is also an unwitting act of reproach: it implies to disadvantaged parents that if their children do not turn out the way children of privilege do it is their fault–that they are likely to blame for the flawed wiring of their children’s brains.

5.

In 1973, when Hillary Clinton–then, of course, known as Hillary Rodham–was a young woman just out of law school, she wrote an essay for the Harvard Educational Review entitled “Children Under the Law.” The courts, she wrote, ought to reverse their long-standing presumption that children are legally incompetent. She urged, instead, that children’s interests be considered independently from those of their parents. Children ought to be deemed capable of making their own decisions and voicing their own interests, unless evidence could be found to the contrary. To her, the presumption of incompetence gave the courts too much discretion in deciding what was in the child’s best interests, and that discretion was most often abused in cases of children from poor minority families. “Children of these families,” she wrote, “are perceived as bearers of the sins and disabilities of their fathers.”

This is a liberal argument, because a central tenet of liberalism is that social mobility requires a release not merely from burdens imposed by poverty but also from those imposed by family–that absent or indifferent or incompetent parents should not be permitted to destroy a child’s prospects. What else was the classic Horatio Alger story about? In “Ragged Dick,” the most famous of Alger’s novels, Dick’s father runs off before his son’s birth, and his mother dies destitute while Dick is still a baby. He becomes a street urchin, before rising to the middle class through a combination of hard work, honesty, and luck. What made such tales so powerful was, in part, the hopeful notion that the circumstances of your birth need not be your destiny; and the modern liberal state has been an attempt to make good on that promise.

But Mrs. Clinton is now promoting a movement with a different message–that who you are and what you are capable of could be the result of how successful your mother and father were in rearing you. In her book “It Takes a Village,” she criticizes the harsh genetic determinism of “The Bell Curve.” But an ideology that holds that your future is largely decided at birth by your parents’ genes is no more dispiriting than one that holds that your future might be decided at three by your parents’ behavior. The unintended consequence of the zero-to-three movement is that, once again, it makes disadvantaged children the bearers of the sins and disabilities of their parents.

The truth is that the traditional aims of the liberal agenda find ample support in the arguments of John Bruer, of Jerome Kagan, of Judith Rich Harris, and of Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl. All of them offer considerable evidence that what the middle class perceives as inadequate parenting need not condemn a baby for life, and that institutions and interventions to help children as they approach maturity can make a big difference in how they turn out. It is, surely, a sad irony that, at the very moment when science has provided the intellectual reinforcement for modern liberalism, liberals themselves are giving up the fight.

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